My Food Diary’s Diary
January 1, 2017
New year, new her! Carly begins her food journey as a clean woman. She explicitly told me this year is going to be different. And I really think she means it this time. I saw her ransack the pantry last night and I have to say, she made some life-changing decisions. She threw everything in the trash. The ice cream, the bread, the packets of jelly stolen from diners, that one bucket of lard she has “just in case” and even those modest barbecue baked lays. I mean, they’re BAKED. There is nothing healthier than something that is baked. I’m so happy to finally see her get on the right track. It’s now 9 p.m. — here is everything Carly consumed today:
- 2 hard-boiled eggs
- 1/2 cup, non-fat, greek yogurt
- 1 scoop, tuna salad
- 1 cup, grapes
- 1 grilled chicken breast
- 1 cup, broccoli
- 1/2 gram, weed
P.S. She went straight to sleep after the weed — at 5 p.m.! So long, destructive night eating!
February 22, 2017
Wow, I can’t believe it’s been over a month since I last updated you on Carly! She’s doing really well. I mean, I think she’s doing well. She stuffed me in the back of her bookshelf, right between her copy of Infinite Jest and a Weight Watchers nutrition guide from 1998. But, little does she know, I am positioned in just the right angle to see into the kitchen so I can continue to track her meals.
I’ll admit there have been some bad days. And nights. And weekends. I also think she might eat during her sleep? I saw her fry an entire package of turkey bacon with her eyes closed. But let’s focus on the positive.
For example, her roommate came home with a huge bag of Valentine’s Day candy and offered her some. Carly politely declined, retired to her bedroom, scrolled Instagram for inspirational before and after photos, and then slowly picked out all of her hair until the sun came up. It doesn’t matter what she did after declining, what’s important here is that she declined and stuck to her decision. And personally, I think she looks good bald. So far only one child on the street has pointed at her and screamed, “Gollum!!”
Anyway, here’s just a brief overview of Carly’s recent meals:
- White bean soup with veggies
- Baked chicken with brown rice
- Egg white omelette with feta
- 1 funnel cake
- Garlic salt
- 1 package, turkey bacon dipped in low-fat cream cheese
- Peanut butter-dipped Hostess cupcake dipped in low-fat cream cheese
- 1 pack, Nicorette Gum dipped in low-fat cream cheese
- 2 grams, weed
April 1, 2017
She knows. She knows I’ve been writing about her. After weeks of eating nothing but rare steaks and twice baked potatoes, Carly retrieved me from her bookshelf (along with the 1998 Weight Watchers nutrition guide) in hopes of starting fresh once again. But, when she realized everything she’s been eating, she turned into someone (or something) else. Her Gollum-like head spun all the way around and I swear I heard her mumbling, “We’re not worthy,” to herself, which I guess she thinks is a line from “The Exorcist” and not “Wayne’s World.”
She left the apartment and hasn’t come back. I’m scared for her safety. I’m scared for the safety of others. I’m scared for the cows. Please send help. Oh, and here are things she’s eaten recently:
- 35 rare steaks (equivalent 8 cows)
- 55 twice baked potatoes dipped in low-fat cream cheese
- 1 bottle, Advil dipped in low-fat cream cheese
- 2 oz., weed
August 15, 2017
I’m sorry I haven’t written in awhile. As you must know, the cows have been wiped out. Famine has swept the U.S. and the world as we know it is slowly but surely coming to an end. I truly believed this year would bring Carly the health and happiness she was looking for but I haven’t seen her since the FBI had to forcibly remove her from the apartment by luring her onto a construction crane doused in sugar. Before she left, I had one small request.
Carly’s final meal:
- 1 journal dipped in low-fat cream cheese
- 1 pound, weed
