Today As Revised By My Jewish Mother

Carly awakes on a crisp fall morning in downtown Chicago overlooking Lake Michigan. Her one-thousand-thread-count, Egyptian cotton sheets seem to feel softer with the knowledge that she has fully paid off her high-rise condo. Not to mention all of her student loans. But that’s just how it goes when you’re Chicago’s premiere female brain surgeon-divorce lawyer.

After immediately remaking her bed, a habit she has come to love, Carly catches a glimpse of herself in the mirror. A perfectly healthy and normal size six. Thin, but not starving. Her mom was right — Weight Watchers is a lifestyle. She slips into an appropriate, flattering outfit, purchased from a retailer that has never even been suspected of associating with Nazis, and begins her day.

As she sips herbal tea on her walk to work (coffee is a silent killer), she mentally rewards herself for selecting a condo just steps away from her office. Never again will she have to take a late night ride on the L, which is, of course, pretty much asking to be murdered. God forbid. No Kenahorah. Poo Poo Poo.

As Carly steps through the doors of “Garber, Garber & Future Husband’s Last Name,” her assistant stops her. “Ms. Garber, would you mind if we started paying out your 401k now and then give you twice as much when you retire?” Mindy asks.

“Sure thing, Mindy,” Carly replies. “Oh, and please, send some to Israel.” Though she has never been and will probably never go (too dangerous), Carly knows in her heart it’s home.

“Of course, Ms. Garber. And just a reminder you have a date at Gibson’s tonight with Louis Brandeis.” Duh, how could she forget her date with the very first Jewish supreme court justice who came back from the dead just to go out with her. Talk about a mensch.

Carly zips through her day of expert legal proceedings and near-perfect removals of malignant tumors. As she’s on her way out to get ready for her date, Louis surprises her at the door of her office.

What? Could this be? He’s down on one knee! And even with her totally untrained eye she can spot the the diamond — giant, flawless clarity, princess cut, 4.5 karats, certified, probably from Harry Winston — if she had to guess. Or — even better — smuggled through Ellis Island sewn into the hem of his mother’s dress.

“But, we haven’t even gone out on a first date yet!” she exclaims as she tries on the ring, just for fun.

“When you know you know. And, of course, you remind me of my mother,” Louis said.

“I’m pregnant!” Carly cries.

“What!? How?” Louis asks.

“Well, I will be pregnant,” Carly says. “In 18 months, a socially acceptable amount of time after we’ve wed to begin giving our parents the greatest gift of all, a grandchild. Ultimately fulfilling the reason they were generous enough to even put us on this earth.”

“I was going to wait to tell you, but … I bought us side by side cemetery plots! Right next to where your parents will be and adjacent to Golda Meir,” Louis says.

“Oh, Louis, I’m going to heavily consider sleeping with you in an appropriate timeframe.” Carly says.

“That’s all I’ve ever wanted to hear.”

As Carly walks back to her apartment, she thinks about how lucky she is to have a mother who has put literal blood, sweat, and tears into making sure she has every opportunity in the world. Feeling warm inside, she takes out her phone and gives her mom a call.

Karen picks up on the first ring. “Why are you calling so late? Didn’t I tell you not to call so late? What are you, nuts?”